cheerangel2110

It's been a while. Nothing is wrong, in fact everything is going pretty smoothly at the moment. I'm just at work and getting tired. I might as well empty my brain before going back to reading for class. Yeah I said it, class. Finally out of undergrad and onto graduate school. It feels good to get on with my life. A year off was a good decision, I feel refreshed, but I am ready to get back to work.

This time should prove to be a challenge. I'm moving from Ohio to Georgia. Leaving my family and striking out on my own. Something that I've always wanted to do. It's a bit daunting to think that I'll be depending on myself after all these years. It's about time but still scary. Leaving my friends and hopefully making new ones in a new city. God knows I hope not to get lost too often. Atlanta is huge. I guess it's about the size of Columbus but maybe a bit more busy? We're headed back down this weekend for my first class and to look at apartments. I'm excited for class but I'm wondering if I have to business casual all time? Can I not wear a t-shirt and jeans?

Speaking of leaving behind, I've made some new friends lately. By name Frederick and Robert. Yes I know another Robert. I should really stay away from them but it's not like I choose based on names. I met both last year. Frederick at work while he was sitting one night during the summer and Robert on my yearbook that fall. It took a while for Robert and I to hang out. Since I'm so cautious. I've been working on that by the way. Instead of thinking so far into the future about my relationships, especially the romantic ones, I've been taking it a day at a time. It's been difficult since my mind runs a mile a minute but it's been good. Low expectations, not worrying on whether the relationship will last for a long period of time.

Most of this came out of my soul searching time. I had a serious meltdown a while ago. It took a while for me to figure out that I needed to work on me. I was getting angry at every guy that I was associated with. It was absolutely ridiculous. How could they know what I wanted if I didn't say anything? And could I really blame them for not wanting to commit? Yes I could but really we're young so it shouldn't matter. I think I expected too much from them. Which lead to me hating the opposite sex and a lot of self-loathing.

Thus, I took a step back and got back in touch with God. Best thing I have ever done. Not to go spiritual or anything but good grief what was I thinking? Leaving Him out of everything and all but ignoring Him led to some serious heartache that probably could have been avoided. And if not avoided could have been a bit easier. This whole focus on Rebekah time has been enlightening and fun. Although I feel as though I have lost some of my kindness. Maybe it was just a front for everyone else. Or maybe for myself so that I would not have to deal with the major issues? Whatever it was I don't think my kindness is completely gone. I think it's more that my honesty has risen a bit more to the surface than it had before. Which is a good thing most of the time. I still don't say things if they are not nice. But I think I'm getting less walked on. More confidence possibly? And it's about time too.

Back to what I was talking about, taking things one day at a time. It has been amazing. Granted, I do have some emotions invested in Robert but after spending as much time as we have spent together it is to be expected. I have to say that if he did end up dating someone else it would hurt but I have excepted that we are not a couple and I really do not have a say over what he does in his free time. I guess it doesn't help that I am moving. I hate to say "oh well" but Oh well. I mean I can't do long distance for one. I have to be able to see him. Two, I'm probably going to be very busy. Which just sounds like awful excuse but probably true. Again, I do like him, which is evident by how often he invades my thoughts. But it will not work. Even though I've told myself this many time I still feel a twinge. Fun while it lasted though.

When things like this happen I fell as though I really will die alone. I know God knows the desires of my heart but things like this make it seem impossible to find that life long companion. I've almost completely accepted the fact that it could happen. I mean I'm completely fine being alone. I always have been. I like the silence and the solitude. I only go out to seek company when I get bored which takes a good while for that to come about. But then I have these times where there is a relationship where I have a lot of fun and I like the company I am in and I get discouraged. I know that I can always go back to the solitude. I don't need anyone to make me happy but I still enjoy the company from time to time.

Thoughts like these make me seem independent I think. Regardless of my constant dependency on my family. Well independent or cold and heartless. But I'll just go with independent. I've always felt like a bit of a loner. Not in the sense that I don't have friends and I don't want friends, and I'm not personable but more in the sense that I just enjoy my own company. How many people can really say that? I'm not disregarding or turning my back against my friends and family and all that they've done for me. I just like myself enough to be alone with me for hours on end.

I guess my brain is relaxed enough to get back to reading about police psychology. Until next time...

So most of the things that are going on in my head are all fantasy. Sadly, these damn fantasies have been going on for at least two weeks. When will it end? I swear the more I see Mark the more... compromising... situations my brain likes to put us in. So what to do. Get the day dreams out on paper.. um screen? That sounds slightly dirty though. Although I am not adverse to most things naughty, I don't think it's a good idea. Putting my thoughts about Mark down isn't a bad idea though. Maybe I'm too sexually frustrated. It does tend to happen around this time and I can't do anything until this weekend.

But what to say? That he's hot? Well yes, but that's always been known. He makes my heart pound and blood rush with just a quick thought? Sadly, yes. But what the hell am I supposed to do about that? If it was the weekend and I was drunk there would be a few things I could do. But alas, it is not the weekend and I am not inebriated. I could talk to someone about this problem. Yet the problem with that would be talking to someone about it. Damn me and my walls. Also there is just no one to talk to about the sexual thoughts of him.

All I can see in these day dreams are a lot of legs, arms, and a ridiculously large amount of dominance. Which makes me wonder; is what I am really looking for is dominance? Someone to take charge? Well yes because I will usually not do something unless coaxed into doing it. Case and point Tony. But the dominating nature of Mark, is that what appeals to me the most? Maybe not the most but it certainly is a factor. There's also a lot of pulling, jerking, grabbing and all roughly too. A lot of over powering, but not in a bad way. It feels more like passion than anything else.

I'm starting to get a headache and this has gotten me no where. My brain will just have to sort it out in my dreams.

So I hate these things because, like I've said before, it means there is something wrong. What's wrong this time? So many things, unfortunately. Specifically; family, friends, guys, school, work... life. Where to start first?

Friends. Ok so it's not all of them just one really that I'm seriously concerned with. I mean I'm concerned about Simone and Nicole, but LaTanya is more on mind mind than the others. She's digging her own grave and fails to see it. This weekend she is going to Ohio University with her ex-boyfriend. The guy that she's been with even though she has her current boyfriend. I don't know what she's thinking. Actually, I do, but I can see the consequences of her actions and she can't. But what am I supposed to do? Nothing. She wont listen to me, so I'm stuck watching her downfall. I can see it coming. I just don't know when it will happen.

Guys are next. Always has to be a section about them. So dated Jeremy for a while. It was good, but bad. I just wasn't ready to give up my single status yet. I really am enjoying the single life. It's a lot of fun. I get to focus on myself and what I want for once. He was good for my spirituality, he helped me get a little closer. Bad because he reminded me of my dad. I know people always say that daughters marry people who remind them of their fathers but I really don't want to do that. I know it sounds awful but my dad is just way too spiritual for me. He has to turn every little thing back to God. I love God with all my heart but it's quite annoying. Also bad because I kept comparing Jeremy to everyone else. Horrible, I know. You're not supposed to do that but I found myself doing that repeatedly. I also found myself being more flirty than usual. Also bad. So yeah, safe to say that I'm glad I'm single. I'm not ready to give it up yet. On the bright side, I'm over Isaiah. Thank God.

On the not so bright side, Mark is back. I don't know what it is. Maybe because he was the first. Not my first love or my first lover, I guess, but just my first boyfriend. He's not like the rest of them. Well, none of them are like the rest of them. The only thing the have in common is that they're all nerds on some level or another. There is something about Mark that makes me different. I can't think around him. Sharp retorts come slower. I get really nervous. When I kissed the others I could seriously have a full conversation in my head, but him not a single coherent thought. He makes me want to be more open, less reserved about everything. Mark is the closest person that has come to understanding me. So sad I know, but that's just how it is. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad right now. It's leaning toward bad though.

So what, we had friends, guys, and now school I guess. I miss school. I can't wait to go back. For more reasons than I just like learning. I can't stand being at home any longer. I want to leave. I need to get in and get out of here. It's like going back to school is the closest thing to suicide I can get. I know completely morbid, but I'm beings serious. I need to get away from everyone for a while. I'm going crazy. My family expects so much and that expectation is wearing me thin. Obviously, I need to look to God for strength but it's so hard. I only have Him and no one else. Do you know how hard it is to not be able to talk to anyone? I'm completely alone on this. No one understands the pressure I'm under. It's not just the pressure of what I'm doing with my life and my future. It's also the spiritual pressure my dad's putting on me. Oh my, I just want to scream every time he says somethings spiritual to me. It pisses me off to no end. Good grief, let me make my own mistakes, please. The man just does not listen. His word is law. I'm almost to the point of where I can't take it any longer. I don't know what will happen if and/or when I break. How crazy am I going to go? What will I do? Whatever it is I hope it isn't drastic or stupid.

There are times where I love my life, but more often then not I really hate it. I've said this before but I can understand the thinking of the people who attempt suicide. It's like it gets too hard to cope. I would never do anything so selfish, but I can relate to wanting all the pain and pressure of life to end. I've made changes to the way I live and the way I act. I think it's made me better. I did it for me yes, but mostly I did it for my parents. My parents who tell me to not be so antisocial. But as soon as I start coming out of my shell, as soon as I start showing my true self, they don't like it. They say that it's not who God made me to be, it's not who they raised. If you want who you raised, then stop telling me to be so quiet. They obviously can't see that I have been holding myself back all this time to please them, to obey them. I never did or do anything for myself and when I finally get the courage to do so they don't like it. They want the old Rebekah back. What am I supposed to do? Revert to my old self? Take their harsh words and still change, ultimately for the better? Or do they expect me to be two different people. Three different people. The one they want me to be, the outgoing talkative one; the quiet one that they "raised" yet can't stand because she's too quiet and antisocial, the obedient one that says yes to every thing and doesn't speak her mind; and the one who is the real me, who says what she's thinking when it's appropriate, finally stands up for herself, takes a little time for herself. It's hard enough keeping up the appearance that all is right, let alone being three different people.

My mind keeps obsessing about him. I think about him every minute of every day. It doesn't end. When will it end? My least favorite holiday has recently passed and I must say this is one reason why I can't stand Valentine's Day. Every year I think about the person I don't have or have lost. This year all I could think about was him and what we did last year. Technically we weren't Valentine's last year but it was the best V-day i've had thus far. I remembered every detail without difficulty. I would have liked to not remember anything that happened last year. Only because it is a reminder of what was and how it ended. It is over and I am not enjoying the fact.

It happened in July. It has been seven months you would think I'd be over it by now but he is all I think about. God if you can hear me out alright Please take these feelings for him inside My chest hurts when I breathe tonight It's wasting me away You're wasting me away... The sad thing is that I knew something bad was going to happen at least a month before the tragic event occurred. I just did not know what or when but I knew. There are times when I hate when I'm right. This was one of those times. At least he ended it before I fell too hard.

Why is it whenever I find that perfect person something bad happens. The first was unrequited. The second ended in heartbreak as did the first. So what do I do? The most I could is not talk to him which is not very hard considering he is currently in another country. I could talk to someone about the problem. But who? I feel like every one would be annoyed that I am not over him. Hanging out with other guys only distracts my mind for a short period before he once again take over my thought processes. There is always time but time is not going fast enough for me. I'm over crying myself to sleep, my favorite music reminding me of the relationship. The memories. Oh,the memories are the most painful. I see us laughing and having fun and truly enjoying the moments. Why did I go against my instinct. The one time I make myself not think of how something might end and it backfires. That's what I get for throwing caution to the wind.

If only the world was flat so that I could fall off its edge and leave my troubles behind.

so in that last entry i was completely lying to myself. Probably because of Brittany but what are you going to? But now we are together and it's so awesome. Here is something so that movie we all went to see on Sunday, it's almost a curse being able to read people, so Isaiah hugged me or something and the look on Brittany's face was... and I don't know what to do. :-(

But being with Isaiah is great. He's like all the good qualities from the exes put into one person. So nice, random, super fun, we have a ton in common, and... It's just awesome!! Um... awesome!!

Yet another entry about the men in my life. I have come to accept that these will be never ending and that if I am to function these will be necessary. Who to start with... How about the oldest to the newest... Starting with

Dave
He has started talking to me again. When I saw his AIM status saying something about a girl named Mandy I was like woo hoo!! He finally has a girl. But then a couple days ago he starts talking to me like he did before but not as dirty... yet. He probably will I give him a week... Anyway, how is he talking to me again with all these compliments and stuff but he's dating someone else? I asked him the same thing. Well close to the same thing. I asked him how is he dating someone but still slightly into someone else? He said he doesn't know and maybe he just doesn't know what he wants right now. Um, yeah that's not going to work for me. Plus, I'm not as into him as he is to me. That makes no sense but he likes me more than I like him. So I thought it was over but it is not. Poo... But it will not work which is good.

He just broke up with her.... still wont work though...

Tony... actually Justin first

Justin
I know it wont work but a part of me wants it to work. How do you know it will not work you ask? It's like every time I talk to him he doesn't want to talk to me. But then he says things that is so cute and makes my traitor of a heart beat faster. I do not think is at his fully mature state yet which is not something that I can deal with right now... or ever for that matter. He kissed my neck when I dropped him off at the airport. Still makes me smile. It's not fair. He's really nice kinda sweet but I mean it's not going to work and it is a bit disappointing.

Tony
The shit finally hit the fan on this one. We had this incredibly huge fight. Tears on both sides. I eventually told him that we could not hang out any longer. Which hurt but I am so tired of be sick and tired and I cannot handle the drama any more. I'm trying to give him his stuff back but he won't take it back unless we hang out. To tell the truth I do not want to hang out with him. It's been a load off not to have to worry about him and what we are constantly fighting about. Which, by the way, makes no sense considering we are no longer together. So why exactly are we still fighting? Makes no sense at all. All I wanted to do was be his friend but he could not do it. I understand that I flirt like crazy but I cannot help it. I'm single the only time I don't flirt is if I'm in a relationship. It's just the way I am. Why must it be so difficult. So I need to give him the things he left over my place but I don't want to see him. So what am I to do? I will see him, against my better judgement, and give it to him. That will be it. I will then be completely done with him. Finally.

Sigh... Isaiah...
He is such a sweetheart. We went to the play together... um The Lady in Question. It was great. He looked great. We went to the Cru Club after ate and talked for hours. It was indescribable. Saturday was incredible for really no reason at all. My best Valentine's Day ever. He actually parked and came in to get me. None of the guys have ever done that unless they came to my house or something. But this was... I was sitting at the table in the SA lobby and he came in and sat down started talking to me complimented my outfit and then we left. And he looked really good. White shirt white tie black sweater vest jeans chucks... Sigh... He has glasses now. So cute.
What am I going to do... Just yesterday he told me that he is going to an art exhibit one of the days he's back in May. He's like hey my friend told me about and he's going so am I. You wanna be my date? I know we are just friends but dang be still my heart. I think I'm starting to be... fed up with being single. He's not helping that's for sure. The nicer he is the less I want to be single. I blame him entirely... And me for being weak... But mostly him. It's not that I want to be with him it's more like I want to find someone like him. Or maybe I do want to be with him but that makes no sense considering he is leaving for Iraq in Aug and when he gets out of the military he's going to move to Arizona. I will never see him. What am I going to do? Plus, I refuse to be the rebound girl and I don't want to ruin a friendship that is rapidly growing...
I could always stop talking to him or at least limit myself to a few times a week and not everyday... That might be good. What else... I could make him seriously uncomfortable that way he will not want to talk to me as much.. Just have to tell him that I'm into him but that is not something that I really want to do... I could just go with the flow and see what happens.

Did I mentioned that he is the only one that has been nice to my bear?!!!??!!!! Crazy. And he's up for anything! Chick flicks even!! He said he would watch all three High school musicals with me. ALL 3!!! I am still in awe. He listens. Oh man he listens. It's like he cares. It's like I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. Intelligent conversation about the random. He is just as silly as I am. He likes anime. He does photography. It's pretty good too. Every time I text him he sounds so excited to be talking to me. He's always making me laugh...

Bottom line is that as much as I no longer want to be single, I still want to be single. I... feel like I still have some work to do on me before I'm ready for another guy. I feel like I am ready but something is still there that needs to be fixed. I think it might be my ability, or lack thereof, to express what I'm feeling. And to deal with things as they come and not stuffing them down until it explodes. I am getting better at it but not where I should be.

I need some guidance. Heavenly would be great but I'm almost willing to take any right now... almost. I'm stuck Jesus, please help

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
By April Masini
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Jun 20, 2008

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation.
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.

I just want an apology. Is that so much to ask for? That's it. An apology for leading me on, for hurting me, for saying those things to me and then leaving. That's all I want. Why is it so difficult?

Best thing about tonight's that we’re not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don’t think that I am trying......
I know you’re wearing thin down to the core..

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

Oh, But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It’s impossible

So breathe in so deep
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Breathe me in
I’m yours to keep
And hold onto your words
‘Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you’re asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

So here I am procrastinating like crazy. I really need to work on that. The thing is I just do not want to do this paper. I woke up really late today at like 5.. That's not good considering I was going to work on my paper all day. But that didn't work out like I wanted it to. I will definitely work on my paper tomorrow since my class is cancelled.

It was fun with Dave yesterday. The movie, Stake and Shake and what not. Lots of fun. I'm kind of sad he had too leave. But he said that he would come back so I guess it is something to look forward to. You know, for a guy his hands are really soft. And for some one who is 23 he is really antsy. Couldn't sit still for the entire movie.

Stupid paper... I cannot wait until this semester is over. It is so frustrating. Next semester should prove to be better. Hopefully. I can't wait until Justin gets back.. Wait what was Isaiah talking about today? I know. I think Brittany and I need to have a little talk. That girl.

Ok still not doing homework. I wander if I should get in contact with Tee Jay again. I guess I am over the whole thing and I should talk to him again. I mean it's not like we can't be friends right? Eh, who knows. I guess I should get on with my life. If he wants to talk to me then he will find a way to talk to me right? Hmm I wonder how Mario is doing. Maybe I should text him.

Yeah I need to talk to Brittany.